My eldest son Joe is a funny child. Sometimes funny-haha, sometimes funny-strange. But always funny. I’m sure many of your kids are the same. Over the years I’ve occasionally posted to Facebook things he’s said or done that have amused me, and often people would say, “You should keep a collection of Joeisms!” So recently, I thought, ‘Yes, why not?!’ There were scores of them over the years (from early 2009 when I first opened a Facebook account and he was nearly four years old up to the present day) and I went back through them all to compile a little collection that I intend to give him perhaps on his 18th birthday, or when he leaves home. Going through them all again really tickled me so I thought I’d share my top 20 Joeisms, in chronological order:

1) “There are two kinds of tentacles – the ones behind your willy and the ones we stick on jellyfish to make legs for them.”

 February 2009, aged 3

2) Joe has just pointed to a pack of blank DVDs and asked if they are “floppy dicks.”

October 2009, aged 4

3) Joe’s in a strop because in the Sugababes video the girls fought some boys and the girls won, but he’s just said, “When I’m older I’m going to be a Sugababe and then I will win the fight.”

November 2009, aged 4

4) “Dad, you’re so old that when you were born there were no computers. Or towels.”

December 2010, aged 5

5) In the middle of dinner last night, Joe put his knife and fork down and announced, “I’m a buffoon.”

February 2011, aged 5

6) JOE: “Why can’t I eat confetti?”
ME: “Because it’s paper.”
JOE: “Really?! I thought it was cheese.”

February 2011, aged 5

7) Joe has just walked in naked with his elastic school tie round his bum like a tail and said, “I’m stylish, by the way.”

July 2011, aged 6

8) Joe has just made up a poem called ‘WORLD OF WEIRD’:
“All the girls have short hair and the boys have long,
All the girls have beards and the boys have none.”

February 2012, aged 6

9) Watching The Incredible Hulk with Joe…. Joe says, “I’ve seen the Hulk with no clothes on. He has a bottom as big as a truck, a willy as big as the sofa and balls as big as Adam’s head.”

July 2012, aged 7

10) We just drove past one of those houses covered entirely in massive gaudy Christmas lights. Joe said, “WOW! That MUST be where Jesus was born.”

December 2012, aged 7


11) Joe has got his friend Jiv round to play. Have just heard Joe say to him in a really serious voice, “I just want to laugh about something, Jiv.”

January 2013, aged 7

12) Joe and Archie are playing cops & robbers, charging round the house with a recorder….. because, “We are going to hypnotise the robbers with our police flute”.

April 2013, aged 8

13) Primary school Chinese whispers, got to hand it to the kiddos… Joe unexpectedly announced the word ‘paedo’ to no-one in particular, while walking down the street.
ADAM: “Don’t say that, it’s a horrible word and you don’t even know what it means.”
JOE: “Yes I do, it’s a man who rides naked around town on a bicycle.”

July 2013, aged 8

14) JOE: “Who decides what Adam is wearing to your wedding?”
ADAM: “I do.”
JOE: “Well Adam, I think you need to get yourself a black jacket with a big ‘L’ on the back.”
ME: “What, so it says he’s a learner?”
JOE: “No, so it says he’s a lover.”

August 2013, aged 8

15) Joe has just handed in his Christmas list. Ranking high on there are ‘a blood pressure monitor’ and ‘some ornaments’. He may look like an 8 year old boy but is clearly in actual fact an 80 year old woman.

October 2013, aged 8

16) Just snuggled up in bed for a cuddle with Joe before bedtime…
ME: “Ah, my favourite place.”
JOE: “Ah, one of my favourite places.”
ME: “Oh I see! Where are your other favourite places?”
JOE: “The toilet.”

January 2014, aged 8

17) Joe is watching a Cliff Richard DVD. It was one of the daft prizes we gave out at the wedding but he has been desperate to watch it. It’s been on for 5 minutes and I’ve just heard him say, “I’m turning you off, Cliff Richard”.

June 2014, aged 9

18) JOE: “I know what the scientific name for a willy is.”
ME: “Oh do you?”
JOE: “Yes. A vagentable.”

August 2014, aged 9

19) Just bought Joe some clay so we can do some pottery together. We’re standing in a long, busy queue in a coffee shop…
JOE: “So is this clay like that MUFF that we sometimes play with?”
***Whole queue turns to look at us***
ME: “Er… I’m not sure what you mean love.”
JOE: “You know, that MUFF! It’s soft and you make stuff with it, and you put it in the oven? You know, MUFF!”
ME: “Do you mean FIMO?”
JOE: “Yes.”

August 2014, aged 9

20) Joe to me this morning: “Mum, can I just say something about your hair please? It looks like what hair looked like when the pirates were around. You know, like pirate hair.”

August 2015, aged 10

I would love to hear your kids’ “isms” – please share them in the comments below!




  1. LOVE this so HARD and have always loved Joe. Of course I have plenty myself with Rocco around…I’ll dig some out 🙂

  2. Joe you’re are too funny, this really made me chuckle! One of my favourites from Phoebe as a toddler was “Be careful with me Mummy I am not a toy” ; )

  3. This is brilliant! Fantastic quotes and writing, lovely memories we all should make more effort to capture, share and add to digital legacies. Go Joe!

  4. This is hilarious laugh out loud funny, but I totoally know where you are coming from have a kids myself!

    I am cooking in the kitchen, “oh there’s a draft coming through can you close the door P?” “Really mummy a really big one?”
    “Ah umm draft, well just a small one ”
    Calling to his sister “come quick Mummy says there’s a Giraffe coming to tea but only a little one”

  5. Joe, you just made me laugh out loud!

  6. Grace is having a good giggle!!

    • anna

      13th February 2017 at 1:24 pm

      I thought she might! I haven’t told Joe I’m doing this though so please do tell her to keep it our little secret! 🙂

  7. We heart Joe. Just made me and Tilda laugh out loud. Forgot how much we miss him (and you of course!)

    • anna

      13th February 2017 at 1:24 pm

      Aw we miss you guys too! Would be great to get together. Give me a shout if you’re ever up here and I’ll do the same!

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